Supporting a Friend or Relative

Life is a journey of ups and downs and a good friend helps us weather the storm. How then can we help and show our support to a friend who has a child with Down Syndrome or cerebral palsy?

Here are some excerpts from the Down's Syndrome Association's (UK) "Down Syndrome - A leaflet for Friends and Family."

What should I say?

Avoid saying

• Anything that conveys pity:
"What a shame."
"How sad."
"Poor thing."

• Statements like:
"It could be worse."
"Down syndrome is the best disability to have."
At this time nothing could be worse to the parent.

• Anything that puts blame on the parents:
"What do you expect at your age."
"Why didn't you have an amnio?"

• Explanations for why this happened:
"It only happens to special people."

• Anything that conveys sainthood:
"I couldn't handle it."
"You must be a saint."

Parents like to hear:

• Congratulations

• Compliments
“She's a wonderful baby."
"What a beautiful baby."

• Noticing similarities between the parents and child
"Gosh, I can see his dad in him!"
"She's got your beautiful eyes."

• Your acceptance of the baby
"Can I hold him?"

• Acknowledgment of their grief
"I know I can't take the hurt away but I wish I could."
"I can't imagine what your family is going through, I don't understand, but you have my support."

Be available; if you avoid your friend or relative you will miss out on getting to know an exceptional person…the new baby.

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You may also want to download DSScotland.org.uk's publication titled "Getting to Know a Baby with Down's Syndrome." This leaflet highlights the important role of grandparents, relatives and friends in supporting the parents and helping them to come to terms with the fact that their baby has Down’s syndrome.




The Cerebral Palsy Association of Western Australia's "How Can I Help" provides information for friends and relatives of a child with cerebral palsy. Quoted below are just two ways of how we can help.

Talking With The Family

Keeping an open relationship with friends and relatives is one of the most effective ways to reduce the pressure on parents of a child with a disability. The following suggestions may help you to develop the type of communication that the family will appreciate:

• Be open and honest about your own feelings about the child when speaking to the child's parents.
• Listen actively when you talk with the child's parents (more than "hearing" what the parents have said "think about what they tell you and what they may be trying to tell you").
• Keep communication lines open. Be available to talk, to listen and to encourage the child's parents. For example, arrange a time for a coffee and a chat.
• Ask questions. If you do not know what parents need from you,simply ask them.
• Allow more time than usual for tasks to be done. Be patient with the parent and child. The physical disability associated with cerebral palsy means that tasks take more time and less speed. For example, it takes much more time to get in and out of the house and car.
• Accept the parents' honesty about the problems their child has and may face in the future. Parents will not lie about their child's disability as they have nothing to gain from it.
• You may want to more fully understand the child's strengths and needs. If you feel your relationship with the parents is very close, you may consider asking the parents if you can go with them to a session with therapists or a medical practitioner.

Dealing With Denial

One of the most difficult things for parents to deal with is the denial of their child's diagnosis from family and friends. Worrying about how to deal with the reactions of their own relatives and friends creates further pressures for the parents of a child with a disability.There are ways of reacting that can create additional burdens for the parents who are attempting to cope with the day to day reality of having a child with a disability. Some of these are:

• denying that the child has a problem ("Don't worry, there is nothing wrong"),
• trivialising the difficulty ("He will grow out of it with time"), or
• hoping for unrealistic cures ("It is amazing what doctors can do these days").

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In the Philippines, support groups and associations provide much needed help.

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